Please Rate Your Flexibility to Change

My stomach is in knots. It shouldn't be because I know that "things" always seem to work out for the best. But I can't stop wondering if I am making good decisions.

I decided a few weeks ago that I am going to pursue teaching elementary school. Yes folks--I, Erin Williams, who has been wishy washy on the subject for several years now, have decided to become Miss Williams to a class of young minds just waiting to be molded. Or at least attempt to pursue a job in that field.

My internship with Cru ends April 1st. I'm a little torn about whether I'm looking forward to that date, or dreading it. I think I'm somewhere in the middle which might not be a bad thing. Perhaps that just shows that I'm content with my job right now. Yesterday was a great day. I met with three of my girls, each of whom have demonstrated an incredible faith in God over the past year. I will certainly miss the encouragement they bring into my life each week. Here's a picture of Julia, one of the bright spots in my life right now:


I think teaching will be a new challenge to me, though. I have to learn to be professional--something I'm really not without trying. I have to go through the process of "selling myself" to an employer during an interview, a process I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable with or even agree with. I prefer to be honest about who I am, but after the training I've received in interviewing, I get the impression that I must "brag" on myself, at least to some degree. And of course being a first year teacher will pose several new challenges--dealing with parents, keeping each student's needs straight, teaching effectively, teaching creatively, learning how to deal with less personal time than I've grown accustomed to. I just did the initial application screening process for a school district not too far from here--it resurfaced many of these fears I once had about teaching.

So about 45 minutes ago I came home from an interview with my old boss at a school I taught at throughout college. She's offering me a job that will hold me over from April till I *hopefully* start teaching at a public school in the Fall. I said earlier that my stomach is in knots because I just wonder if this is the path I am supposed to go down. It's so perfect how this all worked out. She just had a need open up within the building and will need someone around the week that I can start. It's a full time position and I'll get health benefits--she's even going to see about getting the benefits to me a month earlier than normal. I guess I'm just feeling anxious because I never saw my life going in this direction. I thought I'd be moving overseas or doing something "exciting" in the eyes of other people around me. Although, according to a teacher friend of mine, I am a superstar to the students I work with. Maybe that's better than being "cool" in the eyes of my peers.

These transition years of life are not always easy. I used to think that I never wanted to settle down and have a so-called normal life. I know I don't want my life to be ordinary, but all this change throughout the past 5 or so years can really build up to a bundle of stress. I'm ready to just settle down for a little while, build relationships with people that I know will be around for a while, and feel like a real adult.

Know what I mean?

the sunshine above the clouds

There are times in my life when a fog completely surrounds me. My thoughts, my productivity, my relationship with God, my human relationships, my motivation, my alertness---it feels like I am treading through a cloud in each of those areas, without clarity or focus. I just keep attempting to move forward, unsure if I'm really making any progress or if I'm stuck in the same spot. Yesterday it really got me down. Really down. I couldn't bring myself to speak more than a few words, I stared at my computer for a while before actually getting to work, and I just altogether moped. There was no real reason. I just felt the weight of this fog hovering over me.

I felt a lot like this guy:

This morning I woke up and started my day as usual. Except I was tired of feeling weighed down, so I desperately muttered a plea to God--"Lord, please shake me up today. I want to feel SOMETHING. Make me cry today."

I don't know if I really expected God to answer me this time. He has certainly answered prayers like that in the past, but I just felt so distant from Him that I wasn't even sure if He heard it.

He likes to prove me wrong sometimes.

After meeting with my mentor this morning, I opened the door to find the mail sitting on the floor. My pessimistic attitude told me that it would be nothing but bills and cards for my roommates, but there was a part of me that still hoped for something. A surprise would be nice. This is what I found:

Here's what it said:

Dear Erin,

While we all face our share of daily trials and temptations, those serving Him full-time feel particularly strong effects. Over the past few years, I've had the privilege of seeing you grow deeper in your walk with the Lord, and I've been blessed to read of what God is doing through your time serving at WCU. I know that our Father loves you so much, and that His heart smiles at the work you've been doing in His name! I just pray that you continue to remember that "God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19) Keep trusting Him, and leave yourself free to love those He has placed around you!
In a help to that end, please use this Starbucks card to take some girls out for coffee and intimate conversation, or simply to find an escape and spend time on a date night with Jesus. May you continue strong in Him and I look forward in anticipation to see what He will do in the coming months.

In Him,
A Supporter

Needless to say, I cried...For the first time in a long time, and it felt good. I ruined my eye makeup, but I didn't care. I just let the tears come, and then I thanked God that He hadn't forgotten me. I thanked Him that He decided to use one of my supporters anonymously to speak directly to my heart, with the words He knew would pierce through the fog. And then I moved through my day so that I am ABLE to be free to love those He has placed around me.

Inauguration

I haven't done this in a long time--writing in a blog, that is. I ventured into the world of Xanga my freshman year of college. Most of my friends had one and I figured it was a great way to stay in touch. That was of course, before the myspace and facebook culture truly began. I found myself bored with my blog before too long. My writing style was mostly informative. I wrote about the mundane activities of my day, complained about the small annoyances that invaded my life as a brand new college student, and took those "spill-your-guts" surveys (which inevitably always ask "Do you have a crush on someone?" and unless you actually do have someone in your life, you end up feeling incredibly awkward. You don't want that "special guy" to think you're not interested if you say "no," but if you say "yes," you run the risk of too many people jumping to too many conclusions. Oi Vay!)

I've been learning a lot about developing vision lately--dreaming of what could be. I have a vision for this blog. I want it to be different than my Xanga. I don't want to bore you or myself with the mundane. Sure, life comes with mundane, so there might be pieces of that here and there. But I want this to be a place where I write about ideas and thoughts and experiences--not where I scribble down my daily schedule. I want this to be a place where I learn. Where I can process through what I'm "aimfully wandering" towards. (You'll learn that I'm rather corny. I just can't help it!) I hope this might be a place that you enjoy visiting. Where you will add to my thoughts, give me new ideas, be inspired to spend some time in reflection yourself. Reflection is a practice that doesn't come easily to me, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

I look forward to trying this out. Please bless me with comments :)